I am revealing to this audience the complexity of my own being and in a candid admission I testify to the struggle that goes on within myself and every human being that begins to aspire for the infinite.
The “psychic being”, or soul is the source of the search for Truth and the impetus for self-transcendence. Its emergence in human nature does not mean that the rest of the composite being will all march along to the same music. There may be reticent parts of our being that have lines of development to traverse or propensites to be exhausted and transcended and there may be different timetables for each until all rally round the central fire. Guru had told me that “my inner cry for the Supreme is most remarkable”, however my external vital being pulled at me to stay in touch with the “ordinary world”. Thus, when I kept playing music outside of the Centre, the atmospheres and vibrations of the ignorant world of ordinary men pulled me outwardly away from Guru’s Boat and into the ocean I went. All the while I swam around the country, there always was a clear soundless resonance in my heart that glowed with the longing for the Infinte and love and gratitude for my Guru who always had nothing but the right advice and compassion for me. Here is another entry in my diary that reflects this mixture of realities and Divine kindness:

Monday night January 1974
Cold and clear today. I get a haircut. Feel empty inside, confused. Last night and weekend I played again with the rock n’ roll band “in the vital world”, in the “Ignorance” but not of it,; yet cut off from Guru – the result: disaster. Tonight Guru comes into the Connecticut centre and says he will “hammer at us, as long as he’s on earth, the message of love, devotion, and surrender. Maybe someday he’ll get a disciple that will have and practice these qualities. He said a few years ago he hoped for 13 surrendered disciples, then four, then one. Now he doesn’t know if he will have any at all in this incarnation, and this is his last incarnation. Guru talked of how connecticut feels inferior to New York, and for the past year and a half, he’s been trying to amalgamate them. He said how sad he is. We try and fool him on the outer plane, but when he sees our faces (Guru makes a face!) he sees we made no progress. He said in a few months to the end of ‘74 the connecticut centre will have 200 disciples and how happy he would be if he could be proud of us if we could lead a higher life. He’s hoping that” a streak of light” will enter into us at connecticut. He said that out of 100 only 20 disciples are somewhat pleased with him.
On the way out Guru stopped next to me, where I was seated in the front row, and loud and clear (somewhat to my embarrassment) said: “Rich Navroth are you allright now? Is everything allright? You have no more problems?” I answer: ” Yes Guru” meekly. Then he said: “You have experienced the gutter, now no more gutter, only love and Light!”.
Guru then placed his hand on my head and shakedly blessed and pressed on and off the top of my head for quite a few seconds. His Infinite Love and Compassion. I thought: ” Oh dear God. Guru, If I can please you from now on. You are so kind. If only I could feel due love and gratitude. Oh, what lies ahead. If only it could be a happy story, the story of Guru and Alo’s Victory and fulfillment through me.”

Unfortuantely the attraction of the “ordinary world” pulled still more on the recalcitrant parts of my old consciousness and external being and I slipped out of Norwalk to visit with non-disciples another time, feeling listless and unemployed. Guru ran out of patience with me and sent a messenger to inform me I must move out of “the Boy’s House”; although I was not told to leave the Centre. (to be continued)

Richard Navroth.