December 1973 Guru goes to India

 I was asked by old friends to play in their rock n’ roll group. Not meditating much, not feeling happy at being unemployed I accepted the invitation to play music and to be in non-approved surroundings, with a vital glee and a pained heart.
 The weeks grew on and my old self of ego, and vital desires came forward but always in contrast to my soul which protested, warned and reminded me of the Truth I could never close my eyes to.

 December 16 Meditation on Kali, I will never forget

 One of the nights I was home in Norwalk, I meditated at my shrine in my room, lost, confused and hungry for Light I had a very powerful meditation and experience! I meditated on Guru and Alo to start but then somehow found myself looking at Kali with gratitude and intimation. Her image over Guru’s Transcendental picture was powerfully vibrant and sent out blue-violet Light and under Her Guru and Alo’s pictures glowed of pure Light! I was enrapt in gaze on Kali’s face and eyes in surrendered gratitude. I didn’t have to force my concentration, but was in love and delight world just captured by Her sight. This World of Force and Light suddenly flared out from Her picture with an intensity I never before experienced and a tiny flinch of fear or startlement occurred but I looked past it as I was merged in delight and wonder in this experience thick curtain of Light dropped into my room. The violet-blue-red Light pulsed slowly but became incredibly tangible and luminous. It was Light that was lit within itself. Kali seemed so clear in feature, and her eyes glistened, I was transfixed in amazement – She seemed to smile at me! And Her mouth turned up at the corners! I was thoughtless in awe, and didn’t want to leave this newly experienced world. It was so intense, I felt it to be very significant and real beyond anything or degree of revelation I had previously been shown.
 My outer mind gradually twitched and pulled me down out of that Plane and I bowed and wept.

 December 17
 I didn’t attend Monday night meditation with Guru returning from India because of shame. I attended band rehearsal out of town and my heart repeatedly had pangs of regret and love for Guru.
I stayed in my home town for the rest of the week slipping into a pretended-revived ordinary consciousness but feeling psychic pangs. Wednesday eve I returned from band practice to learn that Rudra had called and wanted me to call back collect, at any hour. I didn’t want to.
Thursday morning I was in a room with my band mates and the phone rang and I picked it up. It was Rudra who very nicely urged me to come Thursday night to the New York Church meditation as Guru wanted all to come. I told him I would come if I could, (but I was supposed to play music that night). He said to come and eat dinner with him and his family, and then we’d go. Later on that day he called again and I told him I wasn’t going, he was very saddened and said he’d see me Friday night. I felt so sad and afraid.
Friday morning I awoke to the phone and it was Samarpana who told me top come that night for sure as Guru wanted to talk with me. They had told him why I wasn’t at Thursday night’s meditation and he wasn’t pleased and said he didn’t want me to ruin my life. I said I’d be there and fell back in bed – afraid and confused, but my heart and soul were deeply grateful to Guru’s compassion and concern.
 That night in the car on the way down to New York, Samarpana and Rudra brought up the subject by mentioning to me that before Guru left for India he had asked about me, if I got a new job yet and if my youngest brother (who had Leukemia) was alright. They told me Guru was always asking about my brother. Samarpana had told him that his condition had stabilised for the present and Guru was SO glad, like a child; he said “it was Grace, sheer grace.” Samarpana told me that when Guru first looked at my brother’s picture (that I gave him), he shook his head and said there is no way he could be helped; but he said he concentrated on him and worked on him and by His Grace my brother was helped. Guru was so happy and concerned over it.
 She said that Guru is so concerned about David and me. The she began to tell me how he called her up Friday morning and said: “Samarpana, what has happened to that boy (me), how has he fallen? I am so fond of him, I love his artwork, I have put it in my house and no one else’s art! How is it he has fallen into vital life?” Samarpana said he concentrated on my soul and my soul was crying to be saved. She said he wanted to talk to me, to bless me and save me Friday night. He is so fond of me, I’m talented and so aspiring, he loves me.
 Friday night. There is Guru. The crowd is attentive and most remain until many go up to meditate with Guru on stage. I am confused inside, but resigned to trust in Guru. After the meditation Guru goes off the stage and Rudra scampers across stage, I think I hear him calling my name, I’m a little afraid. Then Samapana calls near me to hurry, Guru is waiting for me! I hustle on stage, take off my shoes and run to where i see the guards, as I enter they open up and Guru turns and walks toward me, and I stop and fold my hands. He raises his hands and places them on my head …he blesses me, long; he shifts his hands a little more forward. I think a little, then feel one with him, glad, trusting, resigned, then I try to feel him in my heart, I feel light, but no bird-flying-heart experience as when he first blessed me, but I dismiss this expectation and gratefully receive his blessing in as much silence as I can. It is a very long blessing.
 Finally he slowly takes his hands off my head and folds his hands at me looking at me through slits, but it seems to be more his third eye and that is where I concentrated. He said:
“Do not feel miserable if you cannot find a job in a museum, or with radio or T.V., as I asked you. Go out and get any job. You have all my love and concern. I am so pleased with you and your aspiration and your progress; but you will not do well with this vital life with this rockn’roll band. Do not waste the blessings of this lifetime, this incarnation, if you do you will be shattered and lost, it will take you hundreds of incarnations, thousands of years, do not make the mistake. If you play in the rock n’ roll band, if you lead vital life with these unaspiring boys it will destroy you. You are suffering from self-indulgence and low estimation of your capacities.” Guru is leaning towards me, his skin looks so clay like, smooth, childlike, intent.
“I am speaking to the aspiring heart within you not to make the mistake of losing this incarnation. I am pleading with your soul, and I am warning your vital. You should not mix with unaspiring people, we shall not have meetings for a few weeks but after that attend all the meetings and mix with the boys and with Rudra. Do not be in the rock n’ roll band as it will take you away from God. You have all my deepest love.” All the while I’m saying “yes, Guru”. When he finished I bowed and quietly said “yes, Guru”. He bowed and stepped back looking at me with a slight smile. I looked at him briefly, though not as consciously as I’d want to and then turned away, almost crying.
 Saturday as I ate breakfast at the Centre, Samarpana said Guru had called and asked about me, if I went home with them, if I was next door, and said he was concerned. Rudra said he’d try to get me work at “Tapovan” temporarily and Guru will probably talk to me when he returns from another trip.
 As I was leaving Samarpana talked to me about Guru, how he comes down to our level – a little above, to talk to us and help us, how he loves us, how we should try to realise him and make at least a little progress. How Guru had a tug of war with the Supreme and other Avatars and Guru won! How the Gods are jealous of him, his height and majesty.
 I am a little afraid of the two tendencies in me. I am heartbroken at my inability to feel due gratitude or appreciation for Guru’s Love for me and afraid because of my connection with my friends and how I must leave them,; but it is right, Guru is right … and yet I am confused …( to be continued)